I realize I am a couple months early for my 2017 year recap, but I have noticed a strong theme this year. 2017 has been exceptionally rough on me. First, my depression hit a new low. For those unfamiliar with clinical depression, it is a lifelong disease that comes and goes, and this past year it hit me like a mack truck. Just as I was feeling like I was getting my life back on track I was drawn to help a friend with a situation nothing could have prepared me for, and it consumed me.
My life is still not what I would call “on-track,” and there is still a lot of processing going on, but I can definitely say that 2017 would have devoured me whole if it weren’t for the relentless support and love I received from my inner circle. You see, I don’t like being a constant drain on people, and since I had very little good to share, I became a bit of a recluse. I had nothing left of me to give, and I felt ashamed. I still am angry with myself, as I know that I was not a good friend this past year. I was self-centered, solely focused on survival. Yet, even with these conditions, I had three amazing friends show me that it’s ok that I’m not bubbly and cheerful 99% of the time, or even 75% of the time, as long as I am striving to better myself. These three people are the reason I am still standing.
I let out my darkest secrets to them. They listened to me cry, and scream, and say things that probably sounded bat shit crazy, and they comforted me. They did not judge or offer harsh words. They did not abandon me. They reminded me that there was light in the world, and this wasn’t the end of everything. They reminded me that there were two roles in friendships, and that even though I am more accustomed to being the giver, the mama duck, there comes a day when you need someone to be there for you, and to give you a bit more attention than usual perhaps, that it is ok to be the vulnerable one. My facade fell and shattered about me, and they helped me piece it back together again so I could make it through and attempt to fake it til I made it.
I feel honored to have such amazing friends. I am forever in their debt. They have given me a new goal in life. I hope that someday I can be as awesome as they are, and that I can pay it forward. I have always known that having friends is important, but I don’t think that I truly knew what that meant until this past year.
Thank you Jordan, Naomi, and Lucas for being there for me. I love you all to the moon and back.
Your Friend,
Carolynski Marie
Carolynski Marie 